Sunday, September 18, 2016

Tears of... Confusion?

The past week and a half have been very emotional. I am still trying to evaluate the handful of events that have driven me to tears, sifting through the emotions that overwhelmed me and trying to reflect and uncover why I became so emotional in those moments. Until I have an answer, I won't be able to figure out how I feel about everything.

Like the majority of people I know, I cry during moments of sadness. Unlike most, I cry when I'm extremely frustrated. Recently, a couple situations completely slapped me in the face out of nowhere, throwing me out into an unfamiliar place without any protection. I discovered in those moments when I'm completely caught off guard, I'm forced into being vulnerable without being able to prepare myself. I found myself exposed and didn't know how to react to what I was hearing. Most of all, because it was something I consider unfamiliar to me, situations that I don't encounter nor have I had someone point these things out to me in the past, I was confused about what I was hearing. These recent events that brought on the tears were associated with feelings that I don't or have never experienced and were completely unexpected. I found myself crying because I was confused.

While they were uncomfortable in the fact that I didn't know how to react and I was so focused on trying to keep my emotions in check, I'm appreciative of the individuals that caught me off guard. They both caused me to do some serious reflection.

As I tried to dissect the situation and break down what caused me to be so emotionally charged in those moments, I knew that I needed guidance and assistance. Not people who would relate or have experienced it themselves necessarily, but people who I know would be able to understand why I was so confused with what had transpired.

Wednesday, the 9th of September: the first in the series of events that put me on an emotional roller coaster. I was having a meeting with a professor who taught the Business Communications course I took in my first semester at Cal (I'm currently a senior). My objectives were simple and straight-forward; I am helping a friend facilitate a deCal course and we knew that this professor would be the perfect guest speaker for one of the topics that we'd be covering in the course. The professor was honored we'd ask/think of him and agreed albeit with hesitation. Turned out his teaching schedule prevented him from being able to commit than he'd like, but he would help us with content for the rest of the class time. Just when I thought our meeting was over, he decides to sucker punch me with something after asking me a couple questions. I remember trying to hold myself together inside as I stared at him blankly with some stupid smile on my face.  

What? Why is he bringing this up? Don't blink, DON'T BLINK OR A TEAR WILL FALL!

I was saved minutes after he started this impromptu mentoring moment when the two friends I happened to be co-facilitating with spotted us and walked up to chat.

Later that same Wednesday, in my last class of the day, I was slapped in the face with comments that echoed what the professor had said to me hours earlier. This time, it was by two friends during an exercise in Improvisational Leadership. What the hell is going on today?! 

Being a commuter student, I knew I'd start thinking about it on the drive home. I had been in the car driving for maybe three minutes when I called my husband to talk about it. When I started telling him what the professor had said to me, the emotions that I felt so many hours ago came on like a flash flood and I started balling.

My dear husband, being the analytical person he is, didn't try to calm me down or comfort me over the phone. Of course not, that's not the type of person he is (I actually have to tell him that's what I want in my emotional situations). Instead, he just simply stated, "Well, he's right. Not everyone has that trait you have and you cut yourself short." He said more, but even as I type this, I still can't wrap my head around it, let alone figure out how to accept it.

Pretty sure the next few posts will be recounting the emotionally charged encounters in hopes that writing about it will help with figuring out the emotions behind it. Then the next step will be to figure out how to grow from it, deal with it, or accept it.

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