Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Protecting My Heart


It's one of the most basic human needs. On Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, it comes right after psychological needs, making it one of the largest sections of the pyramid. It's said that once a level has been fulfilled or that the need has been met, you can move on to the next level. The safety stage of the model includes protection from elements, security, order, law, stability, freedom from fear.

In order to feel safe, one must feel protected. At least that is how I interpret the feeling of safety in this case. I feel safe from outside harm when my husband is around because I know that he'll protect me. I feel safe from the elements of nature because my home, clothing, etc., protect me from them.

My heart does not feel safe. I don't think my heart has ever fully had "the safety need" met. Or I should say it only pertains to a couple of people. What makes the situation suck even more is that it's family. Safety for my heart means protecting it from being broken.

What do you do when you have someone in your life who you looked up to, admired, and love but they continually beat you down emotionally? What can you do when you want someone to be able to admit when they're wrong and actually say the words "I'm sorry" or even "I apologize"? Nothing. It's all on them.

It took me starting school at Cal to finally have the strength to say that I have to focus on me and my family and not worry about what certain people have to say or what they're doing. It was just adding stress and an unbearable weight on my shoulders and on my heart. The worst part was that it broke my heart to even think about what was happening. Actually, it still breaks a bit to this very day because everything is just so heavy.

I don't even think I can get into it on this blog, a place where I'm supposed to be able to let go and be able to get my thoughts and emotions out, without becoming a mess. No one should ever be in a situation with someone in their family where they feel unloved or not good enough, or that it's always their own fault and not the other person. It's all too much....

"I'm not rejecting you or kicking you out of my life. It's my heart that I'm protecting."

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